Hello, how's life? I hope that you (whoever that reads this) are getting over well with what ever that is going on in your life. Me? Idk how to rate it. But right now, I'm having a problem. I have trouble in falling asleep at night. My biological clock has become completely messed up (read: late). I go to bed late ever since I finished my professional exam. Imagine, going to bed at 9 AM in the morning only waking up at 4 PM & still feel groggy. My friend used to say that I lived in a different time zone compared to them, but ugh, this is totally not normal. Well, never in my life have I ever had any trouble sleeping and for the first time, well, people, say what, NEVER EVER EVER take your ability in falling asleep when you want to, for granted. Really, sleep is among, and has always been my safe haven, to be seized of ability to sleep, I feel listless huhu
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Anyway, I mentioned about professional exam, right? How was it? I managed to pass, wohoo Alhamdulillah, all praise to Him. I mean i barely thought I could pass, with my efforts alone. So it definitely was not due to my effort alone, but instead, with His grace, utmost benevolence, help, and the du'a from my parents (truly, a parents's blessing & du'a really goes a long way in one's life), my family and my friends, i thought, really did some job in helping me to pass this professional exam -- I meant the du'a. Blessed and felt a deep sense of gratitude.
Honestly? I think i did rather poorly. I admit, that I'm studying to pass. Imagine segregating, which topic to read? (Cause of my poor time management, I had to choose which to read and which to just go). That's for me, a quality that a doctor-to-be should not have. You could not choose, what sorta patient you would face later. A patient will come as they come, they bring over to you a lists of symptoms from various system, not only from what you have managed to choose to cover and read in your examination. Oh, also, a doctor i met during OSCE said that, remember the exam isn't just the thing that you need to pass, get it over with, it's a phase of learning. So, yep.
I mean I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for passing, I do.I reaaaallly do, i felt a huge sense of relief. But I do admit too that I have to work harder and focus on the real thing, that is to become a well-rounded doctor. I want to be smart as hell, so that I have the chance to actually go do my elective programme overseas, like some of my friends have been doing ever since professional examination finished and the results came out. Also, to be smart and brilliant as hell, get good results, and there you go, a nice look on my future resume, to be used, later. And to be smart, that's a whole lot of work to be done since I'm not genius, hehe. But, whatever it takes. So yep, just putting this out, whenever I feel demotivated to study, in the future (cause, honestly, I had multiple breakdown -- due to the feeling of demotivated, poor time management, during the study week for pro which I know, i have to fix).
Also, I think I'm having a slump, in practicing my faith. I no longer do the things that I used to do. Al-Mathurat, Al-Waqiah, Al-Mulk, etc. Which is not good for me, I know. And my mother's sentence to me struck me deep, because it's true:
"Jangan lupa dengan Dia, Athirah. Allah bagi banyak sangat dah nikmat pada awak"
Come on, let's get back to track. I meant this for myself. I don't want to strive further away from Him. And i hope, all the blessings that you and me, both of us, got, in a way make us the more grateful servants to Him, therefore, will be doing a lot of good deeds and are steadfast in doing it. Amin to that.
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Speaking regarding my love life, I'm slowly trying to regain myself. But I think, from this time onwards, I'll just accept life (and love) as it is. No forced conversations, no nerve-wrecking (read: being nervous to the point that I can't sleep, ugh what was I thinking?), no longer trying to read between the lines when there's absolutely no hints to be taken, nothing to read, no, no to those. Love is calm, comfortable, and it will not make you feel intimidated, instead, you will both grow forever, as love nourishes and flourishes.
With love, and always love,
Athirah.
POSTED BY nurathirah ON Monday, 22 July 2019 @ 13:13
Hi, I'm currently in the midst of preparation for my upcoming professional exam, and I have really been sitting down and thinking about this for a long time, deciding on whether i should or shouldn't do the thing that, for others, might be something that irks them. And I've really been trying to muster up my courage but apparently, when looking forward, judging both the pros and cons, observing the long way of life that is there ahead of me, waiting to be unveiled, i think, it's better for me not to -- confess.
But I still need to get it out, here, so that I'll be able to move on, put this 'thing behind me and really, completely, letting it go, allowing myself to explore the wonderful (and quite sometime scary) uncertainties that life has got to offer to me; meeting up with new people, getting to know them, putting trust in them, and allowing myself to actually love someone. He'll never come across this blog or this post, cause i, for sure know that the feeling is not mutual, therefore...yes i hope you get what i'm tryna say here
So, let's start.
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Hi, there. It's me Athirah. Idk whether you saved my number or not, but here's the thing.
I..like you. And I'm pretty sure it's not just a fling, but in other to be really sure that it's love, i think I need to know you more. Cause I don't just want to simply utter the word, love. And I don't really wish for anything from you cause again, I'm pretty sure that it's not mutual and it really is okay because love is not a possession, you can't force someone to like you and you can't keep them either, for that'll only damage their wing. I'm just here, stating, baring my feelings out, laying it down, clarifying it, for you to acknowledge (?).
I want to be able to move on, cause I really don't like this feeling, in a way, cause it makes me feel intimidated, having low self-confidence, and, it seize away my awesome ability to talk to a guy who i normally, have no problem in conversing with them. So yep, that's the main reason.
But I really hope, that the consequence of me telling you this won't be that much of severe/bad, I hope it won't change a thing between us, cause we've only started to be friends, by working together, so I'm crossing my fingers, hoping that this won't change what we've already have for each other. I'm not keen on losing another friendship that I have only started to cherish, cause it's worthless, and i don't want to end up hating on you, if, you ever decided to not befriend me since you are uncomfortable, etc, cause it's pretty tiring to have to create list on why I should hate you. It's unfair for you, cause you're really amazing, I really hope you can see that by your own, and also, it's not good for my EQ aspect.
Nobody has to know, this involves not only you, in the end, but me too. So we're cool yeah? Cheers to many more years of friendship (hopefully)
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I'm done. it felt like something huge has been lifted off my chest. Thank God. To future me, here's a letter for you
with love, Athirah
POSTED BY nurathirah ON Sunday, 9 June 2019 @ 15:21
